The convenient Cackles survival guide
by The Blue Moon Fairy
Summary: if you were planning on a trip to Cackle's Academy any time in the foreseeable future then this is the convenient guide that will help you along. all things mentioned in this guide are past experiences of The Blue Moon Fairy enjoy...
1. Never go near Amelia's cake!

**The convenient Cackles survival guide.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the fabulous characters; they all belong to the amazing Jill Murphy.**

**This was just for a bit of fun and randomness hope you enjoy it.**

My dear readers,

This guide is designed to help you along with your difficult mission of surviving at cackles. I have written this from my personal catastrophic experience of being there and yes, I did survive, so just follow the rules featured in this guide and you should have a safe (ish) stay.

Warning: The Blue Moon Fairy will not take responsibility for any trouble that may be caused and if you get into any difficult situations you are on your own. Have a safe trip and of course good luck (you'll need it)

Let's start at the beginning shall we? The first rule is the most and I repeat **most, **important rule you will ever come across at this academy!

**Rule 1:**

**Never go near Amelia's cake!**

Believe me, I know this! Although Amelia is not a violent lady, she will see fit to go to extreme lengths to ensure the safety of her cakes. Should you see a crème bun laying in an unusual place around the school, **do not** make the same mistake that a certain Fairy did, of thinking that it had been forgotten about or is unwanted, it is hidden my dears and you will get a fork through your hand should you attempt to devour it. Amelia hides her cakes from a certain staff member who is strictly anti-cake, read this remember this, it could one day save your hand.

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**BEWARE THE CHEESE CAKE!! **

Whatever you do: if you see a cheese cake, back away slowly. Should the plate containing the slice of cheesecake decide to follow you and somehow magically jump into your hand followed by a fork jumping into the other, then forcing you to take a bite, **do not** use this as your excuse to give to Amelia trust The Blue Moon Fairy when she says "not a good idea!" I know through bitter experience that she will not view this as a plausible excuse and trust me; being continuously zapped IS NOT FUN!!!

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If this rule has helped you to survive please do review, I should like to know who is still amongst the living, if not then I offer you my condolences. Live long!!

BMF out....


	2. Do bring a chair!

**Do bring a chair!**

Hello again my dahlings!

I do hope that the first rule was of some help on your long and treacherous trip, sorry I couldn't come with you I had a lot of hard work to get through *hides ice crème cone and sun glasses behind back* ahem, yes , well I – I'm just holding that for a friend *grins innocently* anyways back to the subject, this rule is not a rule of such, it's more of a hint of advise, so pay close attention or you may end up on the floor for the whole of the trip.

About this product: this product doesn't come with a chair included, you can visit The Blue Moon Fairy's page where you may send her a message with your chair order, each chair's price range is between one to five unicorns. All reviewers get their own personalised chairs free.

This add is brought to you by The Silver Fairy's palace furnishings. To avoid a dead Blue Moon Fairy the purchase of chairs must be kept 'absolutely mum.' Thank you my dears!

And now for the second rule of survival at Cackles academy:

**Rule 2: **

**Do bring a chair!**

This was the second thing that I learnt on my wonderful, yet lethal trip to the famous Cackles Academy. When you walk into the staffroom you will be introduced by Amelia to the marvellous staff of who inhabit the building. You will then be invited to take a seat with the rest of them at the table, I must stress this point as much as I possibly can, you, being the newbie in the room will get the old, rickety chair WHATEVER YOU DO, **DO NOT ** SIT DOWN!! This chair is not only old and rickety, it has also been carved out of the most evil tree to ever grow on the planet, *remembers incident with said tree* therefore it will look at you innocently and as soon as your back is turned, it will rub its chair hands together with greed and grin maliciously. Once you have taken your seat on the old, rickety chair, it will act like any ordinary chair until you least expect it, this is its cue to strike.

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**CUNNING PLANS FAIL! **

If like me, you think that you have devised a cunning plan, by all means try it! However, if this plan consists of swapping chairs with Hb, be warned; **she does** notice this and the nice friendly uncomfortable chair will disappear from underneath you, leaving you to plummet to the floor and crease your wings, this is only if you have wings of course but the plummeting still hurts! If you are lucky, you will escape without being turned into some humiliating creature take a tree frog for example, though cute, do you really want red feet? Keep this in mind; beware the Hb!!!

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If you have been saved from a chair worse than death due to this rule, please do review, I'd like to know who still has their 'no falling off of the old rickety chair' pride intact, also the amount of free chairs that will need secret assembling and posting. For those who have met their fate due to this malevolent chair, I am deeply, deeply sorry. May you rest in peace. * salutes*

*Blue Moon Fairy tap-dances off stage* ;)


	3. Plan your escape route!

**Plan your escape route! **

Welcome back my precious dahlings!

I trust that your second rule was of some help? If not then i am sorry to hear that but i did warn you at the very beginning; when in difficult situations, you are on your own. If anyone here has a splinter from the old, rickety chair, then there is a splinter removal team stationed out the back of the hall, in fact could all those with splinters go and get them removed now please? Don't give me the 'but im scared' look it is not painful - they are experts when it comes to splinters. *waits for all to return to seats* thank you my lovelies now the time has come for your next rule straight after this advert!

*great escape music plays in the back ground* this trip can be long and treacherous, so when the time for a cunning escape comes, restore your hope with this amazing escape kit, in this kit you will find; an eight meter rope, five beads, that when hit the floor create a thick cloud of purple smoke, a small bag of fairy dust to throw at people when in a close proximity, a portable chandelier to dive onto when in trouble and a vial of invisibility potion. Also get a free Great Escape audio CD with every purchase made. As per usual reviewers get this kit free, a kit without a review costs around about three blue gemstones.

This add is brought to you by *BMF kicks advertiser off of the stage*

Sorry about that my dears; as i was saying the third rule to survival at Cackles is as follows! *searches with shot gun for advertising man*

**Rule 3:**

**Plan your escape route!**

My dears, you **must** do this, i didn't, and have been regretting it ever since.

When planning your escape route you cannot afford to leave a single stone unturned! Eventually i did come up with a 'cunning' plan which i will share with you later. Now the lesser obvious way is **never **better than an extremely conspicuous one, my reason behind this statement is that they will assume that you're not **stupid** enough, to choose a ridiculously simple route. **Prove them wrong! **They will not expect you to take the easy and risky way out of the academy! If this fails then repeat the same attempt over and over again by the tenth time or so they **will not** expect you to try it again. Take a tip from the hamster's hand guide which is: always run the same way as your previous escape route, this way they will think 'hmmm... well they're obviously not going to go the same way for a fiftieth time, i know let's try another route and wait for them there' trust me it works!

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**NO ARROWS! **

Now, i know that i may have said 'be conspicuous but** PLEASE**; painting orange arrows to follow on rocks, **is not **a good plan, trust me this was my cunning plan so i know this! Have you ever heard of the expression release the hounds? Well instead of hounds, there the expression goes: release the Hb! Now she is deadly, you **do not **want to aggravate her or you will suffer a throbbing migraine for the rest of your trip! Trust me my dears being zapped and shrunk, then trapped in a bottle for none less than four days really is not the best way to spend your holiday!

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If you have taken any advice from this rule then ignore it, unless it is from the NO ARRROWS section since i was testing your cunningness with some false advice ;) The Blue Moon Fairy will not be held responsible for any accidents that this rule may have caused. So if you **didn't** pay attention to this rule and are still alive after reading then please do review and collect your free escape kit!

For those who we have lost on this part of our mission, may you return safely to us in memory and soul. *throws flowers to grave*

Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust. Blue Moon Fairy away!! ;)


	4. Check the cupboards!

**Rule 4: check the cupboards!**

Alas my dears The Fairy has returned and has brought ice cream for her precious reviewers!

Now seeing as I have been away from this guide for some time I shall just briefly catch up on the rules:

no partying after 5am

Stop teasing the giant octopus under the stairs. (I know it's you doing it BMF) The Silver Fairy.

The term Grounded means GROUNDED! Don't make me come over there!

STOP SELLING MY DAMNED FURNITURE OR....

Oops… wrong rules *hides list of rules and burns them behind back grinning widely* ahem… yes, well, moving on…

1) The Blue Moon Fairy will not be held responsible for any misfortunes lardie-dardie-daah... you know these, if not take a look at rule 1. You may be wondering why the rules are so important for this section of the guide; yeas? Well who do you know that is rather ebullient, forever hiding in cupboards and annoying Hb? Yes that's right; IT'S THE DAVINA BAT SECTION! Rule one of the Davina bat section to be précised :D

Now as I have said, plan your escape route and all means plan this well. However, when planning your escape route do NOT use the cupboards at any point. This is Davina's domain and whilst a fluffy, ebullient witch, she does not take kindly to her hours of hibernation being interrupted by a mere visitor of the academy. When you get to the academy, **you must** remember to focus on this rule even though there are many distractions in the academy for example: bats, potions and lotions, people being turned into frogs and other amusing creatures as well as chess, *looks at burning chess boards* especially chess *insert evil cackle* should you chose to ignore this rule due to being completely engrossed in an *coughs* intriguing game of chess then **DO NOT **expect to live for long; Davina's cupboard is Davina's cupboard and even the great Hb does not attempt to challenge Davina whilst in her domain.

**A LITTLE HINT!**

From my previous and disastrous experience at cackles, I found that it is always and I repeat **ALWAYS **convenient to keep a fresh fruit or flower salad on you at all times. Not only is this useful for throwing at your enemy *coughs 'Hb' under breath* but it also is a very good bribe and method of apology when referring to our beloved Miss Bat. Take into account that when choosing flowers and fruit to go in our beloved Miss Bat's salad, anything you pick could end up being thrown at your head so – dandelions and grapes are all good, roses and pineapples, not so much. **REMEMBER** when apologising she will want to hear you grovel in person through the cupboard door, not a message which has been passed on through the remaining two staff members.

**NOTE THAT: **1) any time that you open the cupboard door there is a high possibility of being sang at, you **DO NOT** want this, trust me my dears; I know, I have been there, seen it got the salad bowl(yes, it may have been thrown at my head *sighs*)

2) I forgot to mention THE DAVINA WATCH. This is taken from my main fic and I believe it to be vitally important in this guide.

**You must** avoid the Davina watch at all costs you can do this by: planning your escape route, acting like Davina e.g. hiding in the stationary cupboard and acting ill although you will need to avoid Hb when doing this; she has a knack for being able to see through cunning plans *twitches eye*

There would be a third note but I seem to have forgotten it but meh...

**AN: Thank you for listening to my insane ramblings yet again, I really do appreciate it. Now if you wouldn't mind, just raise your hands if you are still amongst the living so I can tick you off in the register. *hands lolly pops to all reviewers,* yes, both of the wonderful dears! ;) Thank you my precious's and once again... BMF away!! *strikes superman pose***

**Next up is: beware the grandmother's recipes **


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